In a sunlit playground in suburban Melbourne, two children square off over a swing. “It’s not fair!” rings out across the bark chips, that eternal battle cry of childhood justice. As a parent nearby starts to intervene, I find myself wondering: should they?

We’ve long assumed that children’s sense of fairness is an unalloyed good, a foundation stone for building peaceful societies. But what if this assumption is only partly right? What if our fairness instincts, like so many evolutionary adaptations, are both solution and problem – a double-edged sword that can either cut through conflict or deepen its wounds?

The Evolution of Fairness: A Tale of Two Forces

Here’s something that might surprise you: babies as young as six months show signs of understanding fairness. In Yale University’s Baby Lab, researchers found that infants stared longer at puppet shows depicting unequal distribution of resources – their tiny brains essentially saying, “Hold up, something’s not right here.” It’s a finding that suggests fairness isn’t just something we learn from Disney movies and parental lectures; it’s hardwired into our neural circuitry.

But here’s where it gets interesting: this same research revealed something darker. Those same infants showed pleasure when they witnessed the punishment of “unfair” puppets. Even before they could walk, they were exhibiting what psychologists call “altruistic punishment” – the willingness to pay a personal cost to punish perceived unfairness.

This duality appears across species. Consider our cousin, the capuchin monkey, who will literally throw away perfectly good cucumber slices when they see another monkey getting grapes for the same task. It’s a reaction that seems almost childishly petulant – until you realize you’re watching four million years of evolutionary programming at work.

The Tribal Roots of Justice

Understanding this evolutionary context is crucial. Our fairness instincts didn’t evolve to create world peace. They evolved to maintain cooperation within small tribal groups – groups that were often in competition with each other. This explains one of the most troubling aspects of fairness behavior: its tendency to strengthen in-group bonds while potentially exacerbating out-group conflicts.

Think back to that playground. Watch closely (though maybe don’t stare – that’s weird), and you’ll see this tribal dynamic in action. Children often apply fairness rules strictly within their friend group while being remarkably flexible about fairness when dealing with outsiders. It’s United Nations in miniature, complete with alliance systems and trade disputes.

When Fairness Becomes Unfair

This brings us to a paradox that peace-builders rarely discuss: sometimes, our pursuit of fairness can actually impede peace. Consider these scenarios:

1. The Revenge Trap: A child excluded from a game responds by organizing others to exclude the original excluder. It’s “fair” in a retributive sense, but it escalates conflict rather than resolving it.
2. The Equality-Equity Tension: Two children contribute different amounts of effort to a project but demand equal rewards. Is that fair? Your answer probably depends on whether you’re from a culture that prioritizes equality or one that emphasizes merit.
3. The Justice Cascade: A minor playground slight triggers a series of increasingly severe “fair” retaliations, each side feeling justified in escalating because they’re just responding “fairly” to the other’s actions.

Sound familiar? These same patterns play out in adult society, just with higher stakes. Trade wars often start with “fair” retaliatory tariffs. Ethnic conflicts frequently involve both sides claiming to seek “justice.” Even workplace disputes often escalate through cycles of “fair” retaliation.

Rethinking Fairness: From Weapon to Tool

So should we abandon our faith in fairness? Hardly. But we need to understand it better – not as a simple virtue to be maximized, but as a complex psychological tool that requires careful calibration.

Here’s what research suggests works:

1. Focus on Repair, Not Retribution At Sunshine Coast Grammar, they’re experimenting with a fascinating approach. When conflicts arise, children aren’t just asked “What’s fair?” but “What would make things better?” The shift from retributive to restorative justice often leads to more sustainable solutions.
2. Expand the Circle Remember how our fairness instincts evolved for small groups? We can hack this by gradually expanding children’s sense of “us.” Schools that deliberately mix social groups for cooperative projects often see fairness instincts expand to encompass former out-group members.
3. Embrace Complexity Instead of teaching simple “fairness rules,” help children understand that different situations might require different approaches. Some Indigenous Australian communities use storytelling to teach children about multiple types of justice – from strict equality to need-based distribution to merit-based rewards.

The Path Forward: Building Peace Beyond Fairness

This more nuanced understanding of fairness suggests several practical strategies:

For Parents:

• Resist the urge to immediately impose “fair” solutions
• Help children distinguish between revenge and restoration
• Model flexible approaches to fairness
• Acknowledge the complexity of justice rather than presenting it as simple rules

For Educators:

• Design activities that require cooperation across social groups
• Teach multiple models of fairness from different cultures
• Use conflicts as opportunities to explore different types of justice
• Help children understand the difference between equality and equity

For Communities:

• Create opportunities for meaningful cross-group interaction
• Implement restorative justice programs that focus on healing rather than punishment
• Celebrate examples of creative conflict resolution that go beyond simple fairness
• Build institutions that can handle complex, nuanced approaches to justice

A New Vision of Peace

What emerges is a more sophisticated approach to peace-building – one that works with our evolutionary heritage rather than against it. Instead of trying to maximize fairness, we should aim to channel it constructively, understanding both its power and its limitations.

That playground squabble over the swing? Maybe the best intervention isn’t to impose a “fair” solution, but to help children develop the skills to navigate unfairness constructively. After all, real peace isn’t built on perfect fairness – it’s built on our ability to maintain cooperation even when things aren’t fair.

The next time you hear “It’s not fair!” consider it not just a complaint, but an opportunity. An opportunity to help shape fairness instincts that build bridges rather than walls, that heal rather than hurt, that expand rather than constrict our circle of concern.

Because ultimately, the path to peace might not lie in perfecting fairness, but in transcending it.